Wednesday, June 8, 2011

the burning sun

In the days before the heat wave, I was replanting things in my yard. I love the brief time that I spend holding the roots of  a plant.  There is something intimate, private, and special about putting my fingers into the dirt that holds the roots tight and loosening them up.  I have garden gloves, but for this task nothing but bare hands will do.  Over and over on Saturday, I noticed how much I enjoyed this experience. 

Yesterday began  phase two in my daughter's treatment process.  She is type 1 diabetic and things have not been going well with her management.  We were referred to a special program and yesterday was the assessment.  I was ready for the new diagnosis.  I was ready to fight for a three to five day inpatient stay--the recommendation came back from the doctor.  Two to three weeks inpatient.  We can get her in today. 

This is not a blog about my daughter--there are many things about my daughter's story that add layers of depth to my current sea of truth. Those parts I hold dear but are not mine to tell.  It is interesting my selfish parts that come  up when a change is about to happen that will change the fiber and the grain of how our family lives.  It doesn't matter that it may be for the better.  In this moment it doesn't mean anything that on the big picture level this is what we want.  I am scared.  I'm scared of the work I have to do.  I'm scared of the patterns of our lives that will be changed.  The timing is bad.  If there is no state budget in the next three weeks I will not be working  come July 1st.  I have not got the time to be super involved in a family program when what I need to be doing right now is work.

As much as I know this is the right thing to do, I still question exposing my daughter's tender roots.  Am I wrong, assisting with gently untangling the ball that has grown so that it might be replanted in healthier soil?  The plants I moved on Saturday took an especially hard beating in the relentless sun yesterday.  I worry about the unforgiving sun.  Beating down.  Life is not always gentle or easy, and I can never keep my daughter from the joys and pains of that truth.  I know this is going to be painful growth. 

Here is an opportunity to stay present.  Yes things are going to change.  Yes, we may even come out with a bit of a sunburn, but this too shall pass. Phoenix from the flame baby.

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