Friday, December 26, 2014

Big feelings

This Christmas has been one of the most magical that I have ever experienced--the spirit of generosity of people around has blown my mind.  My workplace literally made Christmas at my house by bringing unbelievable gifts and gift cards for me and my kids.  Many family and friends have donated time, money, energy, love and everything they have to give.  My brother came here from Florida and has spend every waking moment trying to make our lives easier (he had to put a lot on the back burner to spend all this time here--thanks to his wife Cindy for holding down the fort).  My best friends have been by my side constantly.  Extended family I have never met have reached out and given; my sister's best friend dropped everything and made a trip from Califorina to be with us.  My sister's co-workers gave a huge gift.  Tonight we ate a delicious home cooked meal made with love by a dear friend.  My brother's workplace, my church, my parent's friends, everyone from everywhere is showing love and support.  My people are here with me and for me day and night and it brings me gratitude beyond words.

It would not be telling the whole story to stop there.  Things are hard.  My daughter is hurting and I can't fix it.  My dishes are all mixed up.  I am losing control of areas of my life that I like to be in charge of.  My pain has not let up.  I had a large dose of radiation and it kicked my butt--I've been tired and whooped.  Most of my near and dear relationships are being strengthened--but hard relationships are still hard.  I have had to deal with waves of hurt and anger that really suck.

Believe it or not, I am finding that even traumatic situations have honeymoons, and it feels like the honeymoon of getting to see and hear from beloveds near and far and the generosity of my community no longer packs the punch of making the hard stuff feel less impactful.  The honeymoon seems to be coming to a close.  I am realizing the long hard battle in front of me.  I know some days are going to suck.  Today I had the distinct feeling that I want better answers when people ask me how I am doing.  I also realized the magnitude of the many days in front of me that may not have the positive answer I hope for to the simple question, "how are you doing?"  I'm sure knowing myself that I will find a way to continue to see and feel hope and gratitude everyday--but this is hitting me in a new way--I am feeling a new depth of how much this really sucks.  I appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers.  I see the doctor again on Wednesday and at that time we will make a plan for my treatment.  I will update when I get more information.  Love to all.


  1. What a beautiful post, Colleen. You've been on my mind and in my heart. While you are searching for better answers to the question, "how are you?" I encourage people to search for different questions. I've been working on this myself this year. Instead of asking people, "Do you have any exciting plans for the weekend?" I will ask, "What are you most looking forward to this weekend?" Instead of, "How are you?" I like to ask, "Tell me your biggest struggle today and your biggest win." It isn't always easy... but it is more often than not, rewarding.

    I love you, Colleen and am so grateful to be a light on the path. You are worth all of this (and I only wish you didn't have to experience cancer to see and feel this love).

    Meg M.

  2. I adore you and your relentless authenticity, Colleen. <3 Every thing I read from you blows my heart and mind wide open. I am holding this question 24/7: "What can I do?" If there is anything, let me know.

  3. Hey darlin . I'm on school break right now and was wondering if I could come and see you!? Would really like to connect with you, I can give you a foot massage, clean your house and do your dishes. Whatever you need. Here's my number 612-961-9390 plz call or send a message.
    Love you gurl