written May 27, 2011
Officially, my commitment to this work started yesterday. Interestingly, I had a profoundly challenging emotional day. This work is working me. The commitment was made and right away the fear in me started lashing out like the tantrum of a toddler. I can hear it in my last blog.
In fleeting moments, doubts came up. After I posted, I questioned my presumptuous belief that this blog mattered. Even just to me. I asked myself what's the point? People will know things about me that they may judge, or worse yet, they may decide they no longer like me. Maybe I need to write a blog entry that shows the not-so-vulnerable side of me. For gods' sake, could I just tell a positive or funny story? I am aware that I am not a writer like the writers I love--those people who are in such concert with words that I would wallpaper rooms with their quotes. I tell myself my work is marginal, unworthy. i have friends with titles. I have friends whose work I admire. I catch myself weighing my own human breaks against my assumptions about other peoples worth and wholeness. I do not want this to be today's truth. I think I want to be where I think you are.
I feel extra vulnerable when I am presenting myself as a full human who doesn't have it all figured out.
What is in the way of my fullest embodiment of me is the feeling that I need approval. When I tell you who I really am, I no longer deny the things I fear you might not like about me. It is the thoughts of what I should be writing. What this should look like.
I want to help access more joy in this world and this was not the post I wanted to write. When I tell the truth about my vulnerabilities the story you know of me is a soft version lacking protection. The animal in me knows--I am completely vulnerable to attack, and when animals see vulnerability, attack is a natural animal response.
I'm going to face risk, see the vulnerability, and do it anyway. My truth today: I want acceptance. This want has a history in me of manifesting in less than helpful ways. I'm ready to name this vulnerability, talk gently to it, and invite it's transformation into a more useful practice. Hiding is no longer an option.