Sunday, May 29, 2011

getting in the way

written May 27, 2011

Officially, my commitment to this work started yesterday.  Interestingly, I had a profoundly challenging emotional day.  This work is working me.  The commitment was made and right away the fear in me started lashing out like the tantrum of a toddler.  I can hear it in my last blog. 

In fleeting moments, doubts came up. After I posted, I questioned my presumptuous belief that this blog mattered.  Even just to me.  I asked myself what's the point?  People will know things about me that they may judge, or worse yet, they may decide they no longer like me.  Maybe I need to write a blog entry that shows the not-so-vulnerable side of me.  For gods' sake, could I just tell a positive or funny story?  I am aware that I am not a writer like the writers I love--those people who are in such concert with words that I would wallpaper rooms with their quotes.  I tell  myself my work is marginal, unworthy.  i have friends with titles.  I have friends whose work I admire.   I catch myself weighing my own human breaks against my assumptions about other peoples worth and  wholeness.  I do not want this to be today's truth.  I think I want to be where I think you are.  

I feel extra vulnerable when I am presenting myself as a full human who doesn't have it all figured out. 

What is in the way of my fullest embodiment of me is the feeling that I need approval.  When I tell you who I really am, I no longer deny the things I fear you might not like about me. It is the thoughts of what I should be writing.  What this should look like.   

I  want to help access more joy in this world and this was not the post I wanted to write.  When I tell the truth about my vulnerabilities the story you know of me is a soft version lacking protection.  The animal in me knows--I am completely vulnerable to attack, and when animals see vulnerability, attack is a  natural animal response. 

I'm going to face risk, see the vulnerability, and do it anyway.  My truth today:  I want acceptance.  This want has a history in me of manifesting in less than helpful ways.  I'm ready to name this vulnerability, talk gently to it, and invite it's transformation into a more useful practice.  Hiding is no longer an option. 

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