Saturday, May 21, 2011

this one is for you

My cousin Byrd has a tattoo of an infinity symbol on her wrist.  She has never told me the story of why it is the thing she decided to get tattooed.  I have never told her that lately, a snapshot of her wrist-her infinity symbol has made its way into the daily musings of my life.  I have been noticing infinity lately, not so much for the interconnection of everything, or the cycle of life, but I have been noticing that everything mirrors everything--just like the symbol.  A simple, yet profound noticing.  What I create in a small way is what I create in a big way. Who you are, is who I am. 

I woke up thinking about the recent influences that have inspired this voice in me Dear Sugar, Brene Brown, Annie Dillard, friends, family, politics, the state of the world, water, struggle.  Like the infinity symbol i can't possibly create a comprehensive list here.  The truth is--I don't know how to not come off cheezy here--the comprehensive list would include your name. I mean that literally.  In some weird way I think of each one of you and you inspire me to find a story or words to connect us.  If I have your attention for this brief moment I want to be sure you know that your story is part of who I am.  I want to write about how funny and fabulous you are, about the way we were there for each other and the way we hurt each other.  I want to take accountability for my part and say I am sorry.  I want to let you know that I have long since let go and forgiven you. That moment we shared that was so_________ (outrageous; raw and real; painful)--I still carry that with me.  The death we survived together is still branded into me as sure as it is branded into you.  And don't think my heart did not break for the death you survived while I was not there with you. Those of you who I have not had that level of connection or who i missed connections with, i want you to know that the way you live your life has given me courage to live my own. Each of you have exemplified who I want (and don't want to be).   As I write the infinity of humans from my life swims by me.  So cliche, but I swear you are there. 

The most honest thing I can say is that you really matter to me.  In this sea of infinity how can I possibly tell each of you that.  How can I have a private, intimate moment with just you and have you believe that I would understand exactly why YOU might be the one whom i should spend forever with lost on a desert island.  It would be beautiful and horrible and interesting.  Just like this life.  You have that value to me and, like infinity, you are me and I have that value to myself.  Namaste.

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